Blackmail
by AllenP3989
Summary: Because keeping the universe safe from the wrath of Haruhi is a valuable service. Humorous one-shot.


Kyon was getting pretty frustrated with Haruhi just about now. On the orders of the Brigade Commander/Director of the film "The Adventures of Mikuru Asahina", Miss Asahina had just been thrown into a lake of filthy water. Miss Tsuruya had offered to let them shoot the next scene at her family's estate, as well as giving Mikuru a chance to wash and change into some clothes that weren't soaked with water from a drainage ditch.

Now, Kyon knew that Tsuruya's family was wealthy, but he had no idea how wealthy until he saw the house. He was impressed by the opulence of the estate, and he secretly asked himself, "What evil things do I have to do to live in a place like this?"

Then he got an idea, but he figured it could wait until after the School Arts Festival, when (hopefully) the world would be safe from imminent destruction.

Then some other stuff happened.

And then Nagato changed the world, and Kyon had to go through all the effort to change it back. To be honest, by this point he had sort of forgotten about his original plan. But when he was in the hospital, he thought, "Crap, I just got stabbed in the service of saving the world. I really should get paid for this." And then he remembered the plan he'd had before. But he wasn't really sure how to go about it.

That is, not until he blackmailed the Data Integration Thought Entity to not delete Nagato. It had really been a spur of the moment thing. After all, Nagato was his friend. He couldn't let her be deleted.

That said, a few days later the realization that he had just blackmailed (successfully, he might add) the most powerful being in the universe (other than Haruhi) struck him, and he became a lot more confident in his plan. He decided he probably wasn't in a position to ask any favors of the Data Integration Thought Entity right now, nor was he really inclined to make demands of Mikuru Asahina's faction. That left one option.

All he had to do was get Koizumi alone.

One day, he got to the clubroom a little earlier than usual. That morning, he had caught up with Nagato and suggested that she take the day off and go to the computer club room. She nodded, and did he detect just the faintest hint of a smile? No, that couldn't be it. That was purely the province of the alternate world's Nagato. But he liked to think that maybe this Nagato had that ability.

But he was getting off topic. He had also asked Asahina to take a few minutes longer before entering the clubroom. And, of course, Kyon knew that Haruhi wouldn't show up for a while.

He was in luck. Koizumi had arrived early, on today of all days. Maybe Kyon did have a god looking out for him after all. Koizumi, he noticed, seemed a little bewildered by the absence of everyone besides himself and Kyon.

"My, everyone does seem to be conspicuous by their absence today, don't they," he said, that annoying smile on his face.

"Yeah, I know," replied Kyon. "Hey, Koizumi," he said, "I was wondering how your Agency was doing in terms of…financial resources?"  
"What do you mean?" asked Koizumi, that obnoxious smile unwavering. "I think you know exactly what I mean," replied Kyon, "How much money do you have?".

"Well, we have the ability to cover incidental expenses, but I don't what that has to do with…" "Cut it, Koizumi," Kyon interrupted. Koizumi looked just slightly shocked at being cut off like that, which gave Kyon no small amount of satisfaction, given that the esper always enjoyed Kyon's confusion whenever conversations got philosophical.

"Koizumi, do you know how much money I've had to spend providing meals and other services to the SOS Brigade?" "I couldn't say, but surely it's a small price to pay to make sure the universe isn't reconstructed under your feet" replied Koizumi calmly, though with just a touch of worry in his voice.

"Let's just say that it's forced me to take on a few extra chores at home. Which, considering the amount of time I spend after school in the clubroom catering to Haruhi's whims, pretty much makes my position of 'keeping the world safe from destruction' a full-time job."

"Hm, well that's an interesting point," Koizumi admitted. Kyon could tell that Koizumi was starting to sweat a little. Good.

"Anyway, I think I deserve a little bit of compensation for my efforts at avoiding the destruction or radical alteration of the universe. Now, I already saved the universe from destruction once by kissing Haruhi-which I totally didn't want to do, whatever you may think, by the way-and again by activating Nagato's escape program when she changed the universe. But I'm willing to write those off as freebies, and only charge for future services."  
"And what would those services be?" asked Koizumi.

"Isn't it obvious? Continuing to stick with the SOS Brigade, and making sure Haruhi doesn't destroy the universe in a fit of melancholy."

"Well, that's an interesting request," replied Koizumi, "I'm sure the Agency will take it into consideration."  
"Here's a number to use as a baseline when deciding my compensation," said Kyon, sliding a folded piece of paper towards Koizumi.

Koizumi picked up the paper, looking at it worriedly. "This is in yen, right?" he said. "Hm, no that's in US dollars," said Kyon. Koizumi looked like he was about to have a heart attack, and Kyon laughed, "Good grief, Koizumi, you don't really think I'm that greedy, do you?" "I don't know what to think," replied Koizumi, "I thought before that you were above such mercenary tendencies, but I guess I was wrong."

"I don't think it's that unreasonable," said Kyon, "I just want to know that, if Haruhi's incessant demands on my time ruin my grades, and thus my chances of entering university, I can retire in comfort after high school. It's a small price to pay for not having the world reconstructed under your feet, right?" Koizumi looked a bit miffed at having his own words thrown in his face, which pleased Kyon inestimably.

"I'll see what I can do," he said, without any trace of smile left on his face. They could both hear footsteps coming up the hallway, and could only guess at who it might be.

"Of course, if your organization thinks that's an unreasonable request, I might let it slip to Haruhi that I'm John Smith…"

"NO!" said Koizumi sharply. Then, as Haruhi slammed the clubroom door open, he quickly regained his composure.

"Well, Kyon, that sounds completely reasonable. I'll make sure it's done by the end of this week," he said, using his usual smug/calm voice.

"What the heck are you guys talking about?" asked Haruhi. "Nothing," said Kyon, "just having a little heart-to-heart with Koizumi about Brigade issues."  
"Well, Kyon, I'm glad to see you're finally taking some initiative. You might actually amount to something after all," said Haruhi.

"Oh, I'm sure I will," said Kyon.

Three weeks later, Kyon was on the phone, setting up his account in the Cayman Islands. The Agency was as good as their word, and Kyon was looking forward to a comfy retirement when he graduated.


End file.
